You asked for me, I delivered.
I arrived at your door step, convenient as always.
Should I be surprised that you await your needs?
When you should need to talk,
I am here,
When you should need a hug,
I am here
You're not the only one...
You may have moments of suffering, or pain, or confusion,
However you are the one, who doesn't fight it alone.
You've always been there, with self ego-analyzed advice,
If it works for you,
Then it clearly must work for all.
In this world, there is only you...
Haven't we both lived that myth?
You to your success, me to my failure
Subscribing to that which is false,
Only to believe that it gave me truth?
Must my true strength be yours as well?
Must I power the world which you've made up?
Which has effected me deeply,
Scarring me, for many to see?
No longer...
I have grown in my independence,
Realized I can care,
I can foster growth,
I can do this without thinking I need you...
Your power has disappeared,
Much like you, when it is most important.
Look down on me if you can,
It will be hard from the hole from which you've dug,
Which I no longer will lend you my hand.
I leave you,
leave you now...
To become the man I am now...
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Forbidden..
I try so hard to stay away,
Go so far as to try to forget you, for even a moment,
It doesn't matter because you still haunt my dreams,
You're unforgettable,
You are forbidden
I fight every yearning,
Refuse to touch your skin,
It doesn't matter because in the end, you're like a magnet,
You're an ultimate attraction,
You are forbidden
I try not to say what is on my mind,
Paint every word as though it's innocent,
It doesn't matter because i feel exposed towards you
You're a vacuum for my hidden interior,
You are forbidden
I try to be accommodating,
Hesitantly, I understand that your heart is elsewhere,
It doesn't matter because I abandon what I have always been,
You're a commanding force,
You are forbidden
I disappear when I am with you,
Enter a space so warm, so safe, so happy,
It doesn't matter because I must always return at some point,
You're a portal, a threshold,
You are forbidden
Within myself I fight to stay strong,
Try to pretend to hold on to who I used to be,
It doesn't matter because I feel something I never have,
You're a captivating being, unworldly as you are,
You are forbidden
In the end, we both can agree,
Something magical and more exists,
We cannot say it doesn't matter,
It is an addiction, it is real, and it is special,
However,
It is forbidden
Go so far as to try to forget you, for even a moment,
It doesn't matter because you still haunt my dreams,
You're unforgettable,
You are forbidden
I fight every yearning,
Refuse to touch your skin,
It doesn't matter because in the end, you're like a magnet,
You're an ultimate attraction,
You are forbidden
I try not to say what is on my mind,
Paint every word as though it's innocent,
It doesn't matter because i feel exposed towards you
You're a vacuum for my hidden interior,
You are forbidden
I try to be accommodating,
Hesitantly, I understand that your heart is elsewhere,
It doesn't matter because I abandon what I have always been,
You're a commanding force,
You are forbidden
I disappear when I am with you,
Enter a space so warm, so safe, so happy,
It doesn't matter because I must always return at some point,
You're a portal, a threshold,
You are forbidden
Within myself I fight to stay strong,
Try to pretend to hold on to who I used to be,
It doesn't matter because I feel something I never have,
You're a captivating being, unworldly as you are,
You are forbidden
In the end, we both can agree,
Something magical and more exists,
We cannot say it doesn't matter,
It is an addiction, it is real, and it is special,
However,
It is forbidden
Friday, November 12, 2010
What It Is...
It’s not that I miss you and me,
Or the fact of this tragedy,
It’s not that I’m forever alone,
Or that my heart is on it’s own,
It’s not that this pain won’t cease,
Or even that it won’t increase,
It’s not that I’ll die,
Or that today I won’t cry,
It IS that I’m torn,
And slightly forlorn,
It IS that I’m patient,
And somewhat complacent,
It IS agonizing,
And painstakingly tantalizing,
It IS sincere,
And a hint of fresh fear,
It’s not hate
It IS love
Or the fact of this tragedy,
It’s not that I’m forever alone,
Or that my heart is on it’s own,
It’s not that this pain won’t cease,
Or even that it won’t increase,
It’s not that I’ll die,
Or that today I won’t cry,
It IS that I’m torn,
And slightly forlorn,
It IS that I’m patient,
And somewhat complacent,
It IS agonizing,
And painstakingly tantalizing,
It IS sincere,
And a hint of fresh fear,
It’s not hate
It IS love
The Endless Fight
3am and it’s hard to sleep,
His thoughts they always seem to keep,
Him awake….at night.
Wide awake…with fright.
He’s haunted by the dreams that aren’t,
The mental pictures, and works of art,
Images so dark…they’re raw,
The anger makes him clench…his jaw.
He’s tired of the way he feels,
Wondering how, this heartache heals,
He always tried to prove to her,
Through endless pain that he’d endure.
Nothing seemed to be so right,
Exit to an endless fight.
Driven to endless thoughts of suicide,
He’s really only seeking homicide,
On his heart…and pain,
That loss would be … his gain,
She’s had him at her beckon call,
He’ll feel enough his guard will fall,
She’ll say you’re mine…to play
But only … when it’s not today.
He’s tired of the way he feels,
Wondering how, this heartache heals,
He always tried to prove to her,
Through endless pain that he’d endure.
Nothing seemed to be so right,
Exit to an endless fight.
The emptiness of sincere regret,
The truths he never seemed to let, (be told)
A new start…he needs,
His soul…it bleeds.
Finally his will completely breaks,
Understanding what it really takes,
To be the man he’s supposed to,
To be the man he’s supposed to…
He’s in charge of the way he feels,
Wonders how, his heartache healed,
He doesn’t try to prove to her,
His autonomy was an instant cure.
Nothing seemed to be more right,
He’ll take a leave from the endless fight.
His thoughts they always seem to keep,
Him awake….at night.
Wide awake…with fright.
He’s haunted by the dreams that aren’t,
The mental pictures, and works of art,
Images so dark…they’re raw,
The anger makes him clench…his jaw.
He’s tired of the way he feels,
Wondering how, this heartache heals,
He always tried to prove to her,
Through endless pain that he’d endure.
Nothing seemed to be so right,
Exit to an endless fight.
Driven to endless thoughts of suicide,
He’s really only seeking homicide,
On his heart…and pain,
That loss would be … his gain,
She’s had him at her beckon call,
He’ll feel enough his guard will fall,
She’ll say you’re mine…to play
But only … when it’s not today.
He’s tired of the way he feels,
Wondering how, this heartache heals,
He always tried to prove to her,
Through endless pain that he’d endure.
Nothing seemed to be so right,
Exit to an endless fight.
The emptiness of sincere regret,
The truths he never seemed to let, (be told)
A new start…he needs,
His soul…it bleeds.
Finally his will completely breaks,
Understanding what it really takes,
To be the man he’s supposed to,
To be the man he’s supposed to…
He’s in charge of the way he feels,
Wonders how, his heartache healed,
He doesn’t try to prove to her,
His autonomy was an instant cure.
Nothing seemed to be more right,
He’ll take a leave from the endless fight.
Silence Is Golden
Silence is golden
The old saying goes
What silence means
Only the silent knows
Silence is respect
An honest I’m sorry
Silence is you’re right,
Explaining don’t worry
Left to silence
One can sit and think
Left to silence
Thoughts become extinct
Silence requested
Should always be respected
Silence withdrawn
Should never be expected
My silence is here,
Telling a story,
My silence shows shame,
Explaining I’m sorry
Tainted messages,
Left on a lonely night,
Only lead up to,
A neverending fight.
The right things were said,
By the one who speaks with such truth
Wrong words were conveyed
By someone claiming to be so couth
Forgive me when I’ve said
My Respect for your determination
Has confused me to believe,
In my own extermination
Your utmost ability for,
Stoicism
Often lead to my,
Criticism
You’re not a robot,
While I was confused,
With lack of respect
You were Accused
I’ve been silent for a while,
I’ve said to much as it is,
I’ve given in to my weak will
So I will leave it at this.
I never meant to hurt you,
I did of course ask for this,
Never wanted to leave you,
That day with just one last kiss.
The old saying goes
What silence means
Only the silent knows
Silence is respect
An honest I’m sorry
Silence is you’re right,
Explaining don’t worry
Left to silence
One can sit and think
Left to silence
Thoughts become extinct
Silence requested
Should always be respected
Silence withdrawn
Should never be expected
My silence is here,
Telling a story,
My silence shows shame,
Explaining I’m sorry
Tainted messages,
Left on a lonely night,
Only lead up to,
A neverending fight.
The right things were said,
By the one who speaks with such truth
Wrong words were conveyed
By someone claiming to be so couth
Forgive me when I’ve said
My Respect for your determination
Has confused me to believe,
In my own extermination
Your utmost ability for,
Stoicism
Often lead to my,
Criticism
You’re not a robot,
While I was confused,
With lack of respect
You were Accused
I’ve been silent for a while,
I’ve said to much as it is,
I’ve given in to my weak will
So I will leave it at this.
I never meant to hurt you,
I did of course ask for this,
Never wanted to leave you,
That day with just one last kiss.
She said hello...
She said hello, my name is…
He said hello, my name is…
She said I like your smile,
He said I’d like to talk a while,
She said I think I’d like to hold your hand,
He said I think I’d like to walk in the sand,
She said kiss me good night,
He worried, but thought he might,
She slept in his embrace,
He caressed her face,
She slept uneasy without his smell,
He dreamed of the girl, for which he fell,
She started to feel unlike before,
He felt his heart start to soar,
She knew this could last forever,
He wouldn’t let this feeling go ever.
Things could never change…
She argued…
He argued…
She said she just couldn’t do it,
He was tired of going through it,
She was tired of crying,
He was tired of trying,
She wanted a break for a while,
He begged her to smile,
She said she was leaving,
He was barely breathing,
She said goodbye,
He couldn’t say goodbye…
He said hello, my name is…
She said I like your smile,
He said I’d like to talk a while,
She said I think I’d like to hold your hand,
He said I think I’d like to walk in the sand,
She said kiss me good night,
He worried, but thought he might,
She slept in his embrace,
He caressed her face,
She slept uneasy without his smell,
He dreamed of the girl, for which he fell,
She started to feel unlike before,
He felt his heart start to soar,
She knew this could last forever,
He wouldn’t let this feeling go ever.
Things could never change…
She argued…
He argued…
She said she just couldn’t do it,
He was tired of going through it,
She was tired of crying,
He was tired of trying,
She wanted a break for a while,
He begged her to smile,
She said she was leaving,
He was barely breathing,
She said goodbye,
He couldn’t say goodbye…
Restless
Restless
Turning…Tossing…he’s feeling so restless,
Doctors interject, saying please sir ingest this.
Nervous…Concerned…unable to medicate,
Friends they worry, but are unable to investigate.
Screams…Tears…the night only frightens him,
In his loneliness, the stars, they seem to enlighten him.
Bellowing…Despair…It is the past that truly haunts him,
Fond everlasting memories, are what usually taunts him.
Angelic…Selfless…her actions remain proof,
In his fear, towards others, he’s often aloof.
Jealousy…Bitterness…they uncover what’s there,
In all of his pain, he has sheltered, his love and his care.
Anguish…Remorse…his actions confess,
It is his own doing, that makes him so restless
Turning…Tossing…he’s feeling so restless,
Doctors interject, saying please sir ingest this.
Nervous…Concerned…unable to medicate,
Friends they worry, but are unable to investigate.
Screams…Tears…the night only frightens him,
In his loneliness, the stars, they seem to enlighten him.
Bellowing…Despair…It is the past that truly haunts him,
Fond everlasting memories, are what usually taunts him.
Angelic…Selfless…her actions remain proof,
In his fear, towards others, he’s often aloof.
Jealousy…Bitterness…they uncover what’s there,
In all of his pain, he has sheltered, his love and his care.
Anguish…Remorse…his actions confess,
It is his own doing, that makes him so restless
Outspoken
Its funny how outspoken one can be,
Mainly my references are in regards to me,
Allowing myself to be over run by what I feel,
Unhappy til those opposing go from stand to kneel,
Platform, soapbox, or just plain unrehearsed speeches,
Arguments suck at souls like those of unfed leeches,
Always right, increasingly never wrong,
Memorizing theories, and ideas like a favorite song.
The weights and burdens of wanting to be correct,
Pushes people away as one might expect.
Forever seeking to pursue ultimate causes,
Unable to calculate the inevitable losses,
So long as the world can become greater,
I’ve put my goals and desires off until later.
NO MORE
I've felt the pain and the searing sting,
From feeling responsible for every little thing,
Allowing myself to be the absolute one,
To make sure the corrections are always getting done,
Feeling like I'm the only one that ever dares,
When really I'm the only one that even really cares.
I'M DONE
I'll make myself available for education,
Also the occasional salutation,
However the problems of the world are their own,
Those who change them, I surely condone,
But these are not my problems a minute longer,
Focusing on myself, will be what makes me stronger,
Selfish and petty and potentially a worldly loss,
It is necessary to avoid the undesirable costs.
I've paid with my soul, and pieces of my heart,
Hence my desire, my pleas, for a brand new start.
START ANEW
Constructively criticized,
Outspokenly ostracized,
These demons are exorcised,
My reactions are paralyzed,
Things will work and we will all comprehend,
Changes when needed are made in the end,
Allow for these words, and take them as a token,
I'll remain controlled, no longer outspoken.
Mainly my references are in regards to me,
Allowing myself to be over run by what I feel,
Unhappy til those opposing go from stand to kneel,
Platform, soapbox, or just plain unrehearsed speeches,
Arguments suck at souls like those of unfed leeches,
Always right, increasingly never wrong,
Memorizing theories, and ideas like a favorite song.
The weights and burdens of wanting to be correct,
Pushes people away as one might expect.
Forever seeking to pursue ultimate causes,
Unable to calculate the inevitable losses,
So long as the world can become greater,
I’ve put my goals and desires off until later.
NO MORE
I've felt the pain and the searing sting,
From feeling responsible for every little thing,
Allowing myself to be the absolute one,
To make sure the corrections are always getting done,
Feeling like I'm the only one that ever dares,
When really I'm the only one that even really cares.
I'M DONE
I'll make myself available for education,
Also the occasional salutation,
However the problems of the world are their own,
Those who change them, I surely condone,
But these are not my problems a minute longer,
Focusing on myself, will be what makes me stronger,
Selfish and petty and potentially a worldly loss,
It is necessary to avoid the undesirable costs.
I've paid with my soul, and pieces of my heart,
Hence my desire, my pleas, for a brand new start.
START ANEW
Constructively criticized,
Outspokenly ostracized,
These demons are exorcised,
My reactions are paralyzed,
Things will work and we will all comprehend,
Changes when needed are made in the end,
Allow for these words, and take them as a token,
I'll remain controlled, no longer outspoken.
Hello/Goodbye
Hello…
You’ve been my bedfellow,
My shadow,
My fear,
My pain,
My loss
The reason I cannot shake these incessant tears.
It’s time to come to grips,
Time to put my mind to ease.
I did what I could,
Became what I am,
I did as you pleased.
Yet you’re the weight on my chest,
My cause to push away good,
The reason I fight love.
I seek happiness,
But look outside myself until I’ve found it.
This tale,
This miserable story,
Can only end if I make it.
You left me not in your prime,
But in mine,
You put me through hell,
Raised me with all you had,
But crippled yourself daily.
Little did we know…
This would be your undoing,
Your ultimate fall.
When we as a team had conquered the world.
I can never forget that fateful day,
I awoke to friends,
Co-workers,
Loved ones….
They bore the bad news
Explained that I was suddenly half the man I was before.
So close to gaining the world,
I lost my past…
I claimed to hate you,
Still feeling like I do
I claimed to love you,
Still feeling like I do
What’s it matter?
You’re gone…
I’ve survived you…
Have I really survived though?
I achieved so many things you never could,
But pushed away beauty and emotion,
Just as you would.
In some ways you DO live within me.
The pain that you left has destroyed me,
Destroyed what I’d found in spite of losing you.
Your habits are buried within me,
Your loss has killed my heart,
Made me angry, made me enraged
Made me self centered, made me fear getting close…
Although we all have to die sometime.
I cry as I write these words,
Finding your memory that causes me this pain
Looking at your picture,
Seeing us…
Missing us…
I cannot change the past,
You did what you did for me,
But I did most of this on my own,
Losing you shouldn’t have changed that,
But I’ve got to let you go.
For more than a year I’ve let you do what you’d so often done,
Destroy me with your illness,
Aid me in destroying myself with insecurity.
You did what you could,
I turned out well,
You missed the best parts,
Some I’ve yet to see,
But your death,
Pushed me out of the nest,
I’ve fallen often since that day,
Today I spread these wings,
With intent to fly,
I will fall again before I die,
This with confidence I know,
Struggle makes the world appreciable,
The hardest part is what I must do next…
I think it’s finally time to say goodbye,
Don’t take this as hatred,
I never could
Don’t take this as a tribute,
I never would
Take this as a farewell
I may have never known you at your best,
May have seen you mostly at your worst,
I’m still conflicted with how you got me here,
But I cannot change the past,
Our last fight was our last words,
Seemingly it fits,
So I look back no longer,
Continue on in life,
I’ve already become stronger.
I forgive you,
But more over I forgive myself,
We did it…
I’ll celebrate at the end for the both of us.
Here I go,
I’ll forever miss you,
Goodbye
You’ve been my bedfellow,
My shadow,
My fear,
My pain,
My loss
The reason I cannot shake these incessant tears.
It’s time to come to grips,
Time to put my mind to ease.
I did what I could,
Became what I am,
I did as you pleased.
Yet you’re the weight on my chest,
My cause to push away good,
The reason I fight love.
I seek happiness,
But look outside myself until I’ve found it.
This tale,
This miserable story,
Can only end if I make it.
You left me not in your prime,
But in mine,
You put me through hell,
Raised me with all you had,
But crippled yourself daily.
Little did we know…
This would be your undoing,
Your ultimate fall.
When we as a team had conquered the world.
I can never forget that fateful day,
I awoke to friends,
Co-workers,
Loved ones….
They bore the bad news
Explained that I was suddenly half the man I was before.
So close to gaining the world,
I lost my past…
I claimed to hate you,
Still feeling like I do
I claimed to love you,
Still feeling like I do
What’s it matter?
You’re gone…
I’ve survived you…
Have I really survived though?
I achieved so many things you never could,
But pushed away beauty and emotion,
Just as you would.
In some ways you DO live within me.
The pain that you left has destroyed me,
Destroyed what I’d found in spite of losing you.
Your habits are buried within me,
Your loss has killed my heart,
Made me angry, made me enraged
Made me self centered, made me fear getting close…
Although we all have to die sometime.
I cry as I write these words,
Finding your memory that causes me this pain
Looking at your picture,
Seeing us…
Missing us…
I cannot change the past,
You did what you did for me,
But I did most of this on my own,
Losing you shouldn’t have changed that,
But I’ve got to let you go.
For more than a year I’ve let you do what you’d so often done,
Destroy me with your illness,
Aid me in destroying myself with insecurity.
You did what you could,
I turned out well,
You missed the best parts,
Some I’ve yet to see,
But your death,
Pushed me out of the nest,
I’ve fallen often since that day,
Today I spread these wings,
With intent to fly,
I will fall again before I die,
This with confidence I know,
Struggle makes the world appreciable,
The hardest part is what I must do next…
I think it’s finally time to say goodbye,
Don’t take this as hatred,
I never could
Don’t take this as a tribute,
I never would
Take this as a farewell
I may have never known you at your best,
May have seen you mostly at your worst,
I’m still conflicted with how you got me here,
But I cannot change the past,
Our last fight was our last words,
Seemingly it fits,
So I look back no longer,
Continue on in life,
I’ve already become stronger.
I forgive you,
But more over I forgive myself,
We did it…
I’ll celebrate at the end for the both of us.
Here I go,
I’ll forever miss you,
Goodbye
Future Ramblings
Thoughts provide the subtle taste of failure,
Reality provides the bitter shards of broken dreams,
Future lives within the past,
Present forgoes love that will ever last,
Fear becomes more common than breathing,
Artistic renditions of a life once known,
Become as abstract as the paper,
The story changed,
The characters the same,
How did we end up this way?
In a dark room with your back against a wall,
Do you fear what is behind you,
Metaphorically?
Nay, but indeed chronologically.
The past…
It invades your present,
Threatening your future,
Exceeding your anxiety
Producing the panic that was never meant to be…
Hearts will pound, without interference
Lives unknown will continue,
Future happens,
Unavoidable, yet easily changed
Influenced by today and tomorrows yesterday,
When tomorrow comes will it be the one you made?
Silence…
Reality provides the bitter shards of broken dreams,
Future lives within the past,
Present forgoes love that will ever last,
Fear becomes more common than breathing,
Artistic renditions of a life once known,
Become as abstract as the paper,
The story changed,
The characters the same,
How did we end up this way?
In a dark room with your back against a wall,
Do you fear what is behind you,
Metaphorically?
Nay, but indeed chronologically.
The past…
It invades your present,
Threatening your future,
Exceeding your anxiety
Producing the panic that was never meant to be…
Hearts will pound, without interference
Lives unknown will continue,
Future happens,
Unavoidable, yet easily changed
Influenced by today and tomorrows yesterday,
When tomorrow comes will it be the one you made?
Silence…
105 Days
105 days
105 days ago this world changed for me,
Laced with a choking sadness,
An utter tragedy,
85 days ago this world changed for me,
Bittersweet accomplishment,
A future of humility,
65 days ago this world changed for me,
Difficult abandonment,
A decision to be free,
22 days ago this world changed for me,
A difficult choice,
An honorable decree.
2 days ago this world changed for me,
Forgiveness of the past,
A time to disagree.
Today this world was changed for me,
Ability to look forward,
A chance to see.
1 day from now this world will change for me,
ambitiously scared,
We will see what will be.
105 days ago…this world…changed for me
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