Hello/Goodbye

Hello…

You’ve been my bedfellow,
My shadow,
My fear,
My pain,
My loss
The reason I cannot shake these incessant tears.

It’s time to come to grips,
Time to put my mind to ease.
I did what I could,
Became what I am,
I did as you pleased.

Yet you’re the weight on my chest,
My cause to push away good,
The reason I fight love.
I seek happiness,
But look outside myself until I’ve found it.
This tale,
This miserable story,
Can only end if I make it.

You left me not in your prime,
But in mine,
You put me through hell,
Raised me with all you had,
But crippled yourself daily.
Little did we know…

This would be your undoing,
Your ultimate fall.
When we as a team had conquered the world.

I can never forget that fateful day,
I awoke to friends,
Co-workers,
Loved ones….
They bore the bad news
Explained that I was suddenly half the man I was before.

So close to gaining the world,
I lost my past…
I claimed to hate you,
Still feeling like I do
I claimed to love you,
Still feeling like I do

What’s it matter?
You’re gone…

I’ve survived you…

Have I really survived though?
I achieved so many things you never could,
But pushed away beauty and emotion,
Just as you would.

In some ways you DO live within me.
The pain that you left has destroyed me,
Destroyed what I’d found in spite of losing you.
Your habits are buried within me,
Your loss has killed my heart,
Made me angry, made me enraged
Made me self centered, made me fear getting close…

Although we all have to die sometime.

I cry as I write these words,
Finding your memory that causes me this pain
Looking at your picture,
Seeing us…
Missing us…

I cannot change the past,
You did what you did for me,
But I did most of this on my own,
Losing you shouldn’t have changed that,
But I’ve got to let you go.

For more than a year I’ve let you do what you’d so often done,
Destroy me with your illness,
Aid me in destroying myself with insecurity.

You did what you could,
I turned out well,
You missed the best parts,
Some I’ve yet to see,
But your death,
Pushed me out of the nest,
I’ve fallen often since that day,
Today I spread these wings,
With intent to fly,
I will fall again before I die,
This with confidence I know,
Struggle makes the world appreciable,

The hardest part is what I must do next…

I think it’s finally time to say goodbye,
Don’t take this as hatred,
I never could
Don’t take this as a tribute,
I never would
Take this as a farewell

I may have never known you at your best,
May have seen you mostly at your worst,
I’m still conflicted with how you got me here,
But I cannot change the past,
Our last fight was our last words,
Seemingly it fits,
So I look back no longer,
Continue on in life,
I’ve already become stronger.

I forgive you,
But more over I forgive myself,
We did it…

I’ll celebrate at the end for the both of us.

Here I go,
I’ll forever miss you,
Goodbye