Beneath the Surface

Beneath the surface, 

Where reality lies,
Comes all the truth,
Comes some surprise.

The surface calm,
Seemingly in control,
Beneath the surface,
Emotional turmoil.

Beneath the surface,
Where you reside,
Where these feelings,
Are safe to hide.

Beneath the surface,
With nobody able to see,
What I really think of you,
How I hope you see me.

Beneath the surface,
When I speak to you,
Without words,
A task few can do.

Beneath the surface,
Behind the words,
Are feelings so pure,
Feelings you’ve never heard.

Beneath the surface,
A fear so paralyzing,
Uncertainty daily,
Feelings I’m recognizing.

Beneath the surface,
This isn’t casual,
It’s intense,
It’s unusual.

Beneath the surface,
The way I truly feel,
This joint connection,
It’s uniquely real.

Beneath the surface,
I’m constantly scared,
Like me hurting you,
Is something you’re prepared.

Beneath the surface,
I fear being the jerk,
Knowing mistakes were made,
Knowingly a cause of hurt.

Beneath the surface,
The words I won’t say,
Not due to being false,
But fear of scaring you away.

Beneath the surface,
Words relayed like a mime,
veiled, secret, coded,
Because you feel like a lifetime.

Beneath the surface,
I remember the past,
Learning intensely,
Because this could last.

Beneath the surface,
Where your presence roams,
My feelings explode,
Because you feel like home.

Beneath the surface,
I feel you here,
where my words are honest,
these words are clear.

Beneath the surface,
Where I wish I could show you,
My desire to see you,
My desire to know you.

Beneath the surface,
Flowing like blood through my very veins,
Ever present,
In my heart, my soul, this brain.

Beneath the surface,
Is where these feelings should be,
Terrified if I show them,
It will just be me.

Beneath the surface,
Where these feelings have always been true,
Beneath the surface,
There is always you

Beneath the surface,
I reconsider life,
Beneath the surface,
I find care,  not once but thrice

Beneath the surface,
For me is pain,
Beneath the surface,
For you is pain.

Beneath the surface,
Behind these tears,
A secret I’ve hidden,
For fifteen years.

Beneath the surface,
Where sometimes you see,
Not who I project,
The real me

Beneath the surface,
Where nobody goes,
I invite you, if you’ll come,
For this private show

Beneath the surface,
It’s always been you,
Beneath the surface,
It’s always been you.

Beneath the surface,
I feel the unusual path,
The future that could be,
A future that could last.

Beneath the surface,
I struggle to stay silent,
Beneath the surface,
You’d see I’ll never be violent

Beneath the surface,
I hear your words and process fast,
I try to learn, understand,
Not replicate your past.

Beneath the surface,
Which you enter through these eyes,
There is no panic, or excuses
There are no lies.

Beneath the surface,
Where my feelings let loose,
But beneath the surface,
Those feelings have no use.

Beneath the surface,
a four letter word,
Beneath the surface,
something I know you’ve heard

Beneath the surface,
Where I turn to cope,
Emotions unknown,
Except this one, named Hope.

Beneath the surface,
Where hope rules all,
Where hope is real,
Where hope is my call.

Beneath the surface,
I hope you’ll let me show,
I hope you’ll stay
I hope you won’t go.

Beneath the surface,
Where I’ve been scared to let you in
This is where you belong,
Where you fit in.

Beneath the surface,
Though words do not lure,
How I really feel,
Unsullied, and pure.

Beneath the surface,
It’s time to come clean,
Beneath the surface,
I need you to know what I mean

Beneath the surface,
I don’t backtrack when I feel strong
Beneath the surface,
These feelings aren’t wrong.

Beneath the surface,
You deserve to know,
Beneath the surface,
I need to show.

Not to him,
Not to her,
I’m paranoid,
I’m so unsure

Beneath the surface,
What I want to do,
Above the surface,
Is be with you.

Beneath the surface,
You’ve always been there,
I’m intense, and abrasive,
With the way that I care.

Beneath the surface,
I have a memory that lasts,
Which is why I never want,
To remind you of your past.

Beneath the surface,
I know it’s not just you,
A triumvirate to care,
With lots to do.

Beneath the surface,
I’ll take all of it,
Above the surface,
I’ve shown I won’t quit

Nobody gets below the surface,
This much is true,
Nobody has deserved to in 13 years,
Nobody, but you.

Beneath the surface,
I miss you when you’re not here,
I want to do right by you,
Above the surface, let’s make this clear.

Above the surface,
What you’ve seen for so long,
Laughter, recording, writing,
Singing a song

Beneath the surface,
These are symptomatic,
A nod to these feelings,
With you that are automatic.

Beneath the surface,
Should no longer exist,
No more hiding it,
No need to resist.

Beneath the surface,
It’s time for a giant leap,
Putting myself out there,
The risk feeling steep.

Beneath the surface,
If you’re ready, it can be gone in a blink
I’m ready to make it the surface,
If you’re ready? What do you think?

He Was Afraid of Love

Too many years,
Too many trys,
Too many frowns,
Too many crys...

He said it once,
Forever in his heart,
He should have known better,
He didn't feel it in the start.

Pursued at first,
Nothing intended,
Weary of her,
Eventually relented.

The calendar flips,
Still with this girl,
Slowly but surely,
Making her his world.

Breakups,
Rebounds,
A messy affair,

Cheating,
Lies,
Though an engagement prepared

Then on a night,
Things in despair,
Across the way she cheated,
Threw away the care.

Left for a reason,
Ironically wrong,
Accused of no commitment,
After 2 years so long

Too late to share,
Too late to show,
Too late to ask,
Because my answer...was no


He said it again,
After a date at a wedding,
Staring in her eyes,
laying in her bedding.

Perhaps it was the day,
Perhaps it was the yearning,
Perhaps it was hopeful,
But no love was burning,

Three years wasted,
A baker's dozen of others,
Given an ultimatum,
Which was that of her mother's.

Pressure mounting,
Lust, wasn't love,
Moved on from our comfort,
The cloud hanging above

Commitment is real,
He's been ready to have it,
He couldn't see her,
As a rest of his life, habit.


Another woman,
Another decree,
Marred in a depression,
As deep as could be,

She wasn't terrible,
She made him feel better,
In the end, due to it all,
They couldn't be together,

He uttered his love,
In a drunken haze,
Here we go again,
This emotional phase.

He shocked her,
Confounded her,
Threw her for a loop.

In the end she'd never get there,
She'd never feel the same,
To many emotional hoops.

Once again,
After a two year break,
To another,
He'd declare a mistake,

Fear of loss,
Fear of drowning,
He didn't mean it,
A bandage for frowning.

He moved on,
She simply couldn't
He had made this mistake,
He knew that he shouldn't

He flew away,
With sadness in his wake,
How dare this man,
Let this heart break,

He moved on,
Not ignorant to his choice,
The more he reflected,
The more he'd sound his voice

I'm so sorry,
I apologize,
He uttered with repent

He felt so much guilt,
He hated himself,
For all of the wasted time, she had spent


Six years later,
His ultimate confession,
Not to anyone else,
His inward impressions.

She came to his life,
Simply untouchable,
Her endless pursuit,
His curiosity uncomfortable,

Eight months later,
On a difficult day,
She called him that morning,
They were parting ways,

Her heartless demeanor,
His heartful rebuttal,
His lengthy reprieve,
Her vision so tunnel

Two more months,
A reunion she wanted,
Two more months,
He'd been ever so haunted.

He'd moved on,
A life he'd desired,
The beginning of this,
She was determined to mire.

A last ditch effort,
He was so confused,
In desperation,
Those three words he used.

Perhaps it was the past,
His former disappointment,
Now using something so sacred,
As relationship ointment

She disappeared,
Said there's another,
She had the audacity,
To move on to his brother.

Devastation,
Frustration,
A desire to be alone.

Depression,
Regression,
For love he had not know.


Four years later,
Ten without true commitment,
She wandered in,
He received an emotional shipment

Feelings of memories,
Memories of feelings,
He didn't know why,
His heart, and head were constantly reeling

He suddenly wanted,
With his feelings matching,
He had so many thoughts,
More emotions were hatching.

For many these feelings,
Would cause them to be happy,
Enjoy giving gifts,
Enjoy being sappy,

Memories hit him,
Failures remembered,
Those emotions he found,
He quickly dismembered,

Scared of his heart,
Scared of his emotions,
Sacred of losing,
Fear as vast as the ocean.

Excuses,
Statements,
Seeking validation

He was afraid of these emotions
Upon their creation.

Goodbyes were said,
Sadness ensued,
Victory was his!
Emotions subdued.

Emotions not gone,
Seldom forgotten,
Emotional sabotage,
His heart feeling rotten,

Not for the habit,
He most frequently had,
Realizing he was wrong,
With lies remembered making him sad

Instead it was regret,
For emotions that blossomed,
They matched what he felt,
Differently awesome.

Fake emotions,
Easy to forget,
Real emotions,
Why aren't they gone yet?

Real emotions,
Snowballed their way,
Real emotions,
He'd refuse to say.

While he wouldn't label them,
He knew they could become,
The very emotions,
He'd never overcome

He realized they'd started,
Much longer ago,
He realized his emotions,
In his eyes they did show

He knew if he'd be calm,
Settle anxious mentality,
That ill fated word,
Would be his reality.

Though he sabotaged himself,
A skill that fit like a glove,
He knew in his heart,
He was afraid of love.

Memories

All that I have, 

Memories, 

Those who can show that past, 

Have unattainable luxuries

Take your photos, 

So that you can remember me, 

While I look deeply at you, 

Commit you to memories. 

First steps, 

First dance, 

First date, 

All soliloquy

Photos are gone, 

All that's left are the memories....

Intermingling histories, 

an evidenceless past

Take in every sip of a moment, 

Since photos don't last. 

So I stare a little longer, 

Giving the mind's eye a taste, 

Not searching, 

Remembering this moment sitting in its place

Memorize each curve, 

A smile, and its lines, 

Translate this moment, 

As the mind, does opine.

Walk away from that moment, 

Down to a single I, instead of we, 

Reliving the moment in time, 

Replay every single memory. 

Though photos are great, 

and I'm a proponent, 

I'm more apt to simply, 

Stay within that moment. 

Memories can change, 

With the winds of your heart, 

They may look nothing like, 

The moment from whence they start. 

Say hello to the memories, 

as they enter your heart, 

know that in this moment, 

Is where memories start

No trinkets, 

No gadgets, 

No souvenir pieces, 

Only the smell of the weather, 

Taste of the moment, 

Reasons to be speechless

Memories aren't these physical things, 

No pictures, 

No movies, 

No shiny gold rings

Memories are fluid,

For moments of despair, 

Or when the heart sings. 

I live for the memories, 

The moments so pure, 

I live for these memories, 

For these i am sure. 

Photoless pasts,

Trinketless history,

Mean only memories, 

To validate this mystery

I'd love to take that picture, 

Or buy that little present, 

Instead I'll sit here, 

and soak in the present

So while I worry, 

You won't remember me, 

You will live on, 

In my beautiful memory. 

What Would You Do?

What would you do?

If an angel touched you...

If your mind and body felt relaxed,

Because her voice pierced you like a blade,

If your heart skipped beats,

Because her eyes met yours.

What would you do?

If an angel spoke to you...

If her story made you cry,

If her heart made you melt,

If her tears broke your will,

If her angst kept you awake

What would you do?

If an angel was touched by you...

If she heard all your pain,

If she saw through to your soul,

If you became a light in her darkness

If your voice soothed her...

Would you tell her?

Could you tell her?

When she's out of sight,

She's on your mind?

When she's sad,

You ache?

When she's excited,

Your heart swells?

When she's at her end,

You have just a little more...just for her?

Could you fathom...

If she absorbed all you could give her?

If she surprised you with her consoling?

If she begged you to stay?

If she couldn't be scared away?

What would you do?

If an angel touched you...

Could you tell her?

Or let her fly away.....never to know.....

Take this word...

YES

Simple as can be,

Results may vary,

A jubilation,

Or a burden to carry, 

Either builds us up,

Or makes us wary,

It can mean you're fired,

Or we're gonna get married.

YES

Its a bit small,

But can impact the whole world,

Its productive and valid,

Or can bring a negative swirl,

It can light up your moment,

As precious as a pearl,

Can mean throw caution to the wind,

Let's give it a whirl 

MAYBE

Fraught with uncertainty,

A certain "I don't know"

Lacking commitment,

A pause before go,

A hopefulness, or hopelessness,

Are you yes, or are you no

A mental rubrics cube,

Unsure of what you're saying...so...

NO

Smaller than yes,

Worse than a maybe,

Saving us from ourselves,

But no, please don't save me,

Negative in context but could be better

Depending on how you relay me

99 percent of the time,

Its a word that will slay me

Words are just words,

Just ink on the page,

Having no life,

Until brought up on stage,

Add some soul,

Some fire to start,

Then make them real,

By giving them heart.

Things can get messy,

Leading "avec mon Coeur",

Hard to remember, 

That it is typically pure,

Living like this is like a virus,

That has no cure,

Feeling emotionally isolated,

Fighting to endure

Fighting alone,

An ultimate strife,

Isolated emotionally, 

Most of my life,

Pain, heartache, sadness,

Being especially rife,

Time to change,

This mirror image life

Words are just words,

Simple and true,

Words are just words,

Like purple is red plus blue,

Words are just words,

Not much we can do,

Words are just words,

Until they are something new.

Take these words,

If you felt but a thing,

Whether they made your mind ache,

Or invoked your heart to sing,

Take these words,

Though they may be sappy,

Just know their intent,

Is to make people happy. 

Take my words,

Not always at the surface,

Take my words,

As they always have a purpose

Take this word, 

When you sit there and wonder,

Take this word,

Even when it seems like a blunder

Take this word,

For whatever you think,

Take this word,

Before you/I sink

Take this word, 

With unwavering certainty,

Take this word,

With a worrisome honesty

Take this word

YES

Take this word

MAYBE

Take this word

NO

Take this word, 

All that matters is below,

Take this word,

In the end, you will always know

Take this word,

As this is my absolute best,

Take this word,

Because for you, it is YES

My Mind

I'm sorry
Not for what you think,

I'm sorry,
For what I know,

I'm sorry
For being weak,

I'm sorry,
For lying, not to you, but me

I'm sorry,
For being delusional

I'm sorry,
For feeling unusual

I'm sorry
I say it a lot

I'm sorry
I don't want to be wrong

I'm sorry
For hedging my bets

I'm sorry
For not knowing me before introducing me

I'm sorry
For waiting so long

I'm sorry
For not waiting long enough

I'm sorry
Because in this brain, I'd rather not

I'm sorry
Because, I had to anyway

I'm sorry
For wasting your time

I'm sorry
For wasting my time

I'm sorry
Not for now

I'm sorry
But for then

I'm sorry
For not holding on

I'm sorry
For holding on too tight

I'm sorry
For being afraid

I'm sorry
For not being capable of trust

I'm sorry
For only being this

I'm sorry
For not being more

I'm sorry
For not being better

I'm sorry
For not being the best

I'm sorry
I can't try any more

I'm sorry
I'm changing course

I'm sorry
For leaning into discomfort

I'm sorry
For seeking out myself

I'm sorry
For being sorry

I'm thinking
Hard about myself

I'm thinking
Hard about you

I'm thinking
About the past

I'm thinking
About the future

I'm thinking
About what I want

I'm thinking
I've had this coming

I'm thinking
13 years was too long

I'm thinking
I owe it to myself

I'm thinking
I owe it to you

I'm not sorry
That I'm not perfect

I'm not sorry
That I'm unique

I'm not sorry
That I have issues

I'm not sorry
That I need help sometimes

I'm not sorry
Because my heart is true

I'm not sorry
Because my brain is catching up

I'm not sorry
Because conflict leads to growth

I'm not sorry
Because today can be different

I'm not sorry
Because a whole life is waiting to be lived

I believe
I am worthy

I believe
You are too

I believe
In happiness

I believe
I can accept it

I believe
In our beauty

I believe
In so much

I believe
Because I've dodged belief so much

I believe,
Because, thats all I can do

I believe,
in me
And
I believe...

In you